Meaningless LIFE

I feel like the most unwanted and loved child in this world. Since the day I was born, nobody would look at me. I hadn’t thought that even my mom would leave me abandoned. Everyone cried after the day was born. It left me amazed. I mean like who does that? I was their only child at that time in the family and all they did was cry after I came to this world. 

I don’t remember much how I was brought into the house and why I was brought if they didn’t like me being born. The hatred for me in the house started growing. Nobody would put an eye on me or even care what I was doing. I barely remember family members feeding me. I don’t know what I grew up eating. I use to cry every time, not because I was hungry but to pull my family members towards me. I couldn’t understand that there was a baby in the house and nothing would even care a bit. Everyone had something for me as a gift too, but they rather kept it inside the room than giving it to me. I don’t know if they regretted buying that gift for me after they saw me for the first time or was it for the time when I grow old.

A day at home passed, a week had already completed and similarly a month too, but people were still busy ignoring me. From that very day I vowed myself not to be an attention seeker and never to communicate with anyone else but myself. I never tried to look at my reflection because I never had courage to look at myself. Walls were my mirror and my friend. Likewise days were slowly turning into year and still no one would come to me. I didn’t know that the world was so much selfish. I thought if my own family members were behaving in such a manner, what would the world react upon my existence. I was not superficial for my family. I often noticed people in that house looking at the backyard whenever incident about me came out on a talk. I didn’t take that seriously as every time I thought they were talking about me, I only wished they could hold me up and give their love. But the day never came.

I still remember my first birthday. It was a black day for me. Nobody was excited. It was a normal day for everyone. Nobody even looked at me. It was another day of isolation for me. Nobody cared where I was, what I was doing and how happy I was. I waited and waited for a single person to come beside me and greet me, but nobody came. Even if they passed by me, they would act like I didn't exist. There was one woman in the house who looked at my pictured and cried, my mother. I still remember as soon as her eyes got watery she threw away the picture and ran away. I tried to reach my hands towards her and speak but couldn't do. All she did was run outside and locked the room. 

I wasn't sad actually. It already had been 365 days of isolation for me. I wasn’t sad because people were ignoring me. I was amused as people didn't care for me while I was still there among them. I was like dead for them. They were happy with what there were excluding my presence. As I was accompanying myself since no one would do that for me, I heard my dad entering house. He wasn't alone. I saw a boy with him. I could never forget that face as that face was brought to take over my place in the family. He was my brother who was adopted from an orphanage. I could not hold anymore, I cried but the tears wouldn't come out. I cried and only I witnessed my sadness. 

I went to the place where I grew up talking with walls and started crying again. As I was crying by my own, I heard something from the window. I heard a woman’s voice loud but unclear. As I went nearby the window I recognized the voice as my mother’s. My mother was at the backyard, looking at some stone circled with beautiful flowers and crying. She kept on staring that stone for quite a long time. I kept on staring at her and wished she would stare back at me. Suddenly she looked at the window, my heart skipped a beat for my mother. She picked a card from the backyard and returned to the house. I kept looking at that stone, but the view from my window wasn’t clear. Suddenly I heard some sound of people coming to my room. I rushed towards the door and waited for someone to open it. The foot step stopped outside the door and there was no movement for a long period of time. I could feel someone’s hand on the door knob as if s/he was going to open it. But they didn’t. A card was pushed in the room through the bottom of the door. The letter said, “Dear child, I don’t consider myself as your mother as I could never give the love other babies get, and never saw you. I wish they saved you instead of me. Happy birthday Son.” I don’t know how to react. Grounds were falling off my feet. I went to the window again and stretched out to see the stone. There was no name but the date, and the date resembled my date of birth/death.

I thought I was alive and people weren't addressing the fact that I was there and left ignored. I never realized, I was not accepting the fact that I was dead a long ago. During my birth, the delivery was extremely complicated. The process would save either my mom or me, and while the medical team was trying to save us both, I died. My body was kept aside and my mother was in coma. Everyone in the family was either crying or staring at my body. I had misunderstood their cry for hatred but it was their sadness to loose me. I had this vision of people coming one by one and peeking at me and saddening their face. All I could do was lie there without life and disappoint every people in the family. It turned out to be my soul watching my family member. They couldn't see me after the day I was born, but I was lucky enough to see them for a whole year. I would really be lucky to have such a family. However I never came to know what a mother's love and family's care would be.

Thank you for going through. Sorry for the mistakes, if any. Feedback is always welcomed.